I don't want to chat with her !

(This is in continuation to "Indeed, I am surprised at myself!")



I couldn’t sleep well after chatting with her. Indeed, I sat by the laptop with traffic of thoughts.

“Shall I log in again and chat? Shall I?”

No, you cannot. You haven’t got anything put in between and chat.

“I can at least render myself offline and look at her photos.”

. . . and you know that she is looking for a FRIEND in you.

“I know that, I just want to know her appearances . . .”

Stop there, you know you are not thinking your heart.

“Oh . . . how might she be in real?”

And the internal quarrel continued on. My roommate Ugyen nudged my shoulder.

“What? You aren’t even answering me.” He sounded displeased. 

I abruptly landed back to real world as I nearly fell off the chair. I had been squatting all that long. Luckily I slipped my right foot, landing on the chair.

He had a quizzical look then. I felt a huge guilt grow inside me. SORRY. I put an uneasy smile.

“No, I was just lost somewhere.” Suddenly I felt a shyness so new to me.

“You,” he bent towards me, pointed to me and with a doubting smile, “You are lying,” he said.

Oh, he caught me.

“No, I didn’t,” I said. He wasn’t satisfied. He tilted his head and then looked at me with even more inquisitive eyes.

He was screwing me

I seamlessly switched my face into near-tears and took a cracked voice.
“Arrgh, . . . it’s nothing. I was just thinking of my past things. You wouldn’t want to listen to it,” I lamented and walked to bed.

I am a good actor, at least in my school days I was. And I never thought I would have to play drama in my real life, worse than that, to my friend.

I am certain he took me as I intended, for only when I was in bed that he moved. I had pulled the blanket whole over me and I could hear his feet drag heavily towards his bed.

Crazy it may seem, it even seemed to me too, I smiled at his belief in my drama. It was already 
1:00am in the morning when I looked into my mobile.

Today, I am not at all looking if she is online.

It has been 2 days she didn’t appear online. Every free time I had, I sat before my laptop like guarding the Queen Elizabeth’s Kohinoor crown. I had my adapter connected to the laptop all the time: I didn’t want my attention diverted when I chat with her.

But she just didn’t appear. I wished I had her number. I could call her and talk. But I had to accept that I would better chat with her and win a bit of her confidence. Because I am not a good communicator and to talk with her! It will just ruin me and my dreams. I would be living in regrets.

Two days straight, two days straight she didn’t appear online. And it hurt me, totally.  
I know I shouldn’t be.

It’s wrong, just big wrong and simply ineligible for consideration.

But I am hurt anyways. I don’t want to chat with her.

I am reading kuenselonline, the news website of my country. A news has that a student boy was stabbed to death. Oh, I just hate this news, hate such inhuman things happening in my country. I believe it’s heaven on earth.

Beep. (It sounded louder today.)

My heart asks me to click the idle window of Facebook. I am afraid it might be her.

It couldn’t always be her, coward.

I move my cursor to the tab. And lo, it is her. I sulk at it. Hell to you.


But it is starting again, my heart is pounding. I am wanting to chat and know her more. 




ILiveLove

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