From the Bruised heart to a New Heart

I’m begging you; if you feel to read, read it till the end. If not, please don’t go even a step further, coz I will be misunderstood as you skip or stop halfway through it.

I am experiencing rather an excruciating jolt in my heart as I pen down my truths. Yet, what can a man, already in torture, do if he is punished with only a choice? He has to tread that choice albeit his knowledge rings in him saying ‘Are you respecting the choice?’

A much similar situation is what I am drowned into now.

To speak truth, as this truth burns down my tranquility, I had a lover a year ago, yeah a really loved girl. I lost her to someone, yet I managed with my belief on emptiness. I can’t hate her anyway, still I can’t do that. The happenings are like last night’s fantasy. I was living yesterday, though I loved living today.

Then I saw you, a flower heading for the zenith of the full blossom and its radiance very dazzling. As your image frequented my eyes, it jerked my conscience to appreciate you. Till now, I found myself never disappointed by your-whatever.

After a semester gone, I felt myself opening the door of my heart for you. That time only, I bumped into many things. Till then, my heart was concealed under thick darkness of negligence i.e. the old lover’s betrayal was not treated well.

So when I opened my door, the radiance you have revealed every part of my heart. Almost all were charred while few were penetrated potholes. Out of the blue, I was kicked into sense that my heart isn’t healthy for you and I was still silently mourning over the lost lover, and that loving you would mean like drugging you with falsity.

Yet, I am not trying to say that I am too weak and broken to love you. I love you but I feel odd to myself about it. Let me say why. I needed to find someone who could give me her strength of love because what I had was already conquered. I could use that strength to claim my love back and could fully commit it to the new love.

The moment I admired you, I knew that ‘someone’ was you and you can dispel my aches. Loving you means happiness, but when I thought of proposing you, I, yet again, had another thought that ‘I am trying to use your precious love just for my sake and wasting it over my sickly heart’.

Then this guilt got rooted into my consciousness and concluded to be a friend as I couldn’t neglect you completely while to have you as mine was also not justifiable.

Yeah, I think I am out of mind and you should have thought that too. But the truth is ‘I can’t use your happiness when I have done not a scintilla of good to you’. 

Above all, my limitations render me unworthy of a girl like you so ideal.

To wipe off the tears, I stand here with a wish ‘if you could opt to sacrifice a little, I would be freed to love you’. So if you love me, keep this epistle with you. If you have pity and would be my friend, write “Friend” and give the letter back.

Don’t allow a fear that you would hurt me if you don’t love me. Be truthful; otherwise it would kill me. I won’t be hurt because a man in the river cannot be soaked further by the rain. 

ILiveLove